


Where I want to be

by thousand_miles



Category: Law & Order: SVU
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-26
Updated: 2018-12-26
Packaged: 2019-09-27 21:08:37
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,293
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17169431
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thousand_miles/pseuds/thousand_miles
Summary: Olivia invites Rafael to join them for the squad’s Christmas Party but she’s unsure if he will be there. Though they have stayed in contact after his departure, they are both unsure how to move forward.





	Where I want to be

**Author's Note:**

> Written for the Barson secret Santa exchange. The request was to preferably have Noah in the fic.   
> I have to admit so far I’ve only seen S14 and most of S15. I’ve read a lot of fanfics so I know what is going to happen and know of Noah, but haven’t actually seen that interaction. So when I got the request for Barba/Noah scenes, which I love in fics, it was difficult because I haven’t seen them. Despite that and despite the fact that I’m still catching up on the Barson seasons, I hope I did it justice. I wanted it to be sweet. Also a big thank you to untapdtreasure for beta-ing and answering my questions.

“Someone’s excited to see Santa.” Fin said to Olivia as he watched Noah bounce around the squad room before running into the break room.

Olivia nodded, while keeping a close eye on her son. Santa was visiting the squad, and Noah had been talking about it the entire week. This morning he’d been up at 6, and he hadn’t stopped bouncing around. “I suspect he’ll crash as soon as he’s back home. Earlier maybe.”

She looked around the squad room. Amanda was talking to Sonny who was setting Jesse back on the ground. The little girl seemed just as excited as Noah. She smiled as the two sought each other out and started playing together. The squad room was decorated with several Christmas lights, a big Christmas tree in the break room, and all kinds of other festive decorations. 

It was nice that they could have this afternoon together as a team, to just relax and enjoy each other’s company. They’d had a couple of tough cases, and it felt like this was the first time in weeks they could finally take a breath. They were missing one person though. The one who’d left, but who she still considered part of the team. Rafael Barba. It wasn’t as if she didn’t see him anymore. He dropped by from time to time. Still, she wasn’t used to not seeing him daily, not working with him anymore. She missed her best friend. Noah had asked her if his Uncle Rafa was going to be there today too. She’d told him his uncle was busy and she didn’t know if he could make it. She’d seen the disappointed in her son’s eyes. She’d send Rafael a text message last week inviting him to join them. He hadn’t answered.

She didn’t know where she stood with him anymore. She still considered him her best friend and hoped she was his too. Whenever they did spend time together, he was sweet, gentle and caring with Noah. Always making sure to play with her son, to give him all his attention. And with her, she didn’t know what they were. At times he would look at her with this warm, affectionate look in his beautiful green eyes and he made her feel like she was the only person in his world. But just as often he seemed to close himself off. There were lingering looks. He seemed to touch her more often, a hand on the small of her back, on her shoulder when he passed by and sometimes even covering his hand with hers if he needed to get her attention. She shook her head. She was acting like a teenager in love. She wanted more from him. Before he left, she’d thought they’d been moving forward, moving towards something more. These last few weeks, she just wasn’t as sure anymore. There was some weird push and pull between them, this dance of one step closer, two steps back. 

“You okay?” Fin asked, touching her elbow for a moment.

“Yeah, sorry. Lost in thought.” 

“Heard anything from Barba?” It wasn’t difficult to guess what was on her mind. He knew her well enough. 

“No.” 

“When are you going to tell him, Liv?”

She looked at Fin and for a brief moment wanted to ask him what he was talking about. There was no use. She couldn’t fool Fin, nor did she want too. He was one of her oldest friends. She valued their friendship too much to blow him off. “I don’t know. I don’t know where I stand with him anymore.”

“Don’t you?” He hadn’t seen Barba since he’d left the D.A.’s office, but he doubted his feelings for Olivia had changed. When it came to Olivia, Barba was an open book. 

She shook her head. “It feels like we’ve lost our chance.”

“Or is it that now that there’s nothing holding you two back, that you’re both unsure how to move forward?”

Olivia was silent for a moment, mulling over Fin’s words. It was true. Their work had held them back. There was too much as stake if they’d decided to cross the line. Now, though, nothing was standing in their way. They were both unsure of their footing. Before she could say anything, her son’s voice rang through the room. 

“Uncle Rafa!” Noah yelled excitedly as he ran as fast as he could to the man who’d just entered the squad room.

Rafael was hesitant as he walked into the squad room. It was strange being there again and he felt nervous. Since he’d left, he’d only seen Liv, but none of the others. He didn’t know how they would react. However, the bundle of energy that was making its way towards him, made all his doubts about accepting Liv’s invitation disappear. He crouched down and opened his arm for the little boy. 

“You came!” Noah wrapped his arms around his uncle’s neck and hugged him as tight as he could. 

“I did.” He hugged Noah against his chest and greeted him with a soft hi. Standing back up again, Noah grabbed him by the hand and led him through the squad room, talking about meeting Santa and how he had to tell Santa something really important. He let himself be led through the squad room. Noah was a welcome distraction. His eyes sought out Liv’s who gave him a small smile before he gave Noah his full attention again. 

Thanks to Noah he managed to avoid talking to most people, but eventually, the little boy let go of his hand to play with the other kids. He poured himself a glass of water and looked around the room. He was unsure of where to go. The most obvious thing to do was to seek out Olivia. His eyes sought her out and found her talking with Amanda, smiling at Jesse who was pulling at her mom’s leg to get her attention. 

Several people approached him and talked to him, making it impossible for him to get a moment with Olivia. He didn’t really mind. He was unsure of what to say to her. It was why he hadn’t responded to any of the messages. He wanted to move forward with her and he thought she was open to that too. He wasn’t sure though. Every time he tried to get closer she seemed to pull back a bit. He knew he had to put his cards on the table and it seemed to be a calculated risk. 

“You can’t keep avoiding her.” Fin said, joining Rafael in the break room. It was about time for Santa’s visit and so they’d all gathered in the break room. 

Rafael smiled at Liv and Noah who were standing across the room from where he stood. She was crouched down next to Noah as he sat on the floor together with the other kids, eagerly awaiting Santa. 

“I know,” he admitted to Fin.

“If you wait any longer, you might be too late,” Fin added, no longer just talking about the Christmas party. “Stop hurting her and yourself. You’ve got a chance at happiness here. Don’t blow it because you get lost in self-doubt.” 

Count on Fin to confront him with the truth, not mincing his words. He always appreciated Fin’s directness. He expected Fin to literally push him in the right direction. It was Noah though who called him over.

“Uncle Rafa. Come here. Santa’s almost here.” 

He felt multiple eyes on him as he made his way to the other side of the break room towards Olivia and Noah. Noah jumped up, ran up to him and grabbed his hand. Apparently, he wasn’t fast enough for the boy. 

“We can’t be late,.” Noah said, pulling at his uncle’s hand. 

“Easy there, Noah. Santa’s not here yet.” Olivia smiled at her son who was dragging her best friend over to them. She loved seeing them together. Finally, when Noah and Rafael joined her, she could greet him. “Hi,” she said softly. 

“Hi,” he greeted just as softly. He took a moment to really take her in. Her beautiful brown eyes that sometimes seemed to look straight through him. She was wearing black pants and a rather festive red Christmas sweater with Rudolf and Santa on it. He smiled. “That’s quite the sweater.” 

She was as beautiful as always. 

She smiled, and held the edges of her sweater and stretched it. “It is. Noah picked it for me.” 

“A very good choice.”

“He got you one too.” 

“Did he?”

Olivia nodded. She looked at her watch. There was still some time before Santa came. She crouched down beside Noah again and whispered in his ear to give Uncle Rafa his sweater. Noah nodded enthusiastically and immediately got up and retrieved the gift. Excitedly he stood in front of him and look up at him.

“I got you a present Uncle Rafa.” He held the wrapped gift up towards him. 

“You did? Santa’s not even here yet.” 

“It’s a Christmas sweater so you and Mommy match.” 

Rafael quickly unwrapped the present. His sweater was green and on it was Santa Claus, the beard and hat sewn on. On the sleeves were little elves. He looked at Noah who was looking back at him. “It’s great. Thank you, Noah.” 

Happy that the sweater was a success Noah had a question. “Will you put it on?”

Rafael wondered if the boy knew how difficult it was to say no to him when he was looking at him with those big eyes, pleading with him to put on his sweater. “Sure.” A couple of minutes later he returned to the break room and ignored the whistles directed at him. He joined Noah and Olivia again. 

“Looking festive Counselor.” Olivia smiled and teased him. Rafael, who was always so immaculately dressed, had no problem wearing a silly Christmas sweater simply because her son wanted him too. 

He didn’t have the chance to give her a reply, because it was then that Santa Claus made his presence known and the kids all started cheering. He stepped next to Olivia, brushing his shoulder against hers and together they watched the kids gather around Santa.

“Thank you for coming.” Olivia finally said after a moment of silence. Santa had taken his seat and would now be calling every child to him.

"Thank you for inviting me.” He bumped his shoulder against her.

“I wasn’t sure you’d come.”

He hadn’t been sure either. “Me neither.”

“So why did you?” 

He took a deep breath. “Because this is where I want to be. Here, with you and Noah.” He admitted. He swallowed thickly. This was far from the ideal place to have this conversation. They were surrounded by people, the kids and Santa was there. Yet here he was, putting his cards on the table and there was nowhere he could run if she rejected him. And if she didn’t this was not the place to wrap her in his arms and kiss her.

Olivia smiled at him, though he couldn’t see it. He was avoiding her eyes. She wished they were alone, wished he would look at her. She wanted to lead him to her office so they could really talk about this. She wanted to be held in his arms, to be close to him and most of all she longed to kiss him. She reached out for his hand, linking her fingers through his and squeezed. “There’s no one else I want here with me and Noah. Only you, Rafa,” she said softly. 

He turned towards her, his eyes shining with emotions. She couldn’t just offer him everything he wanted and not have him want to kiss her. “Liv.” His voice came out rough. “Are you sure?” He pulled her a bit closer. 

“Yes,” she said easily. She put her hand on his chest and smiled at him. His back was shielding her from the rest crowd. 

“I hate that I can’t kiss you right now.” He grumbled. 

“Really?” She licked her lips, teasing him. “Been thinking about it, have you?” 

He groaned softly. “You’re not playing fair.” 

“I know.” She tapped his chest. “We’ll do that later, okay?”

“Promises.” He murmured. He turned back around, facing the crowd again and watched how it was Noah’s turn to tell Santa about his wish. He let go of Liv’s hand so he could wrap his arm around her waist and pull her against his side. He kissed her temple softly before focusing back on Noah.

It was near the end of the party and Olivia was ready to go home. Noah had tired himself out quickly after Santa had left. She’d just grabbed her coat and looked around the break room for her two men. 

“This was great,” Amanda said. Jesse was in her arms, barely keeping her eyes open. Jesse, just like Noah had tired herself out. 

“It was.”

“You and Rafael looked quite cozy.” The closeness between Rafael en Olivia hadn’t gone unnoticed by the seasoned detectives. None had commented on it. 

“Yeah.” Olivia smiled.

“Good.” Amanda kissed her daughter’s forehead. “Time to go home. See you Monday.” She bid her boss goodbye. 

“Ready to go home?” Rafael asked softly. 

Olivia turned around, hearing Rafael’s voice from behind her. There he was holding her sleepy son in his arms, cuddled against his chest. Her heart warmed at the sight and his words. Yes, she was ready to go home with this man. She put on her coat, grabbed her bag and nodded. At their side, she ran her hand through her son’s hair and kissed his hair. “Let’s go home.” She kissed Rafael’s cheek and followed him out the precinct. 

The End


End file.
